[rating:4.0]
(New York: Harper Collins, 2010)
238 pgs
This is a supremely practical, and much needed book. Most books, especially on leadership, tend to be positive, and fall within the self-help, “you can do anything you put your mind to” camp. But I am finding that the more I read and study about leadership, the more I am convinced that the greatest decisions leaders make have more to do with what they choose not to do, rather than what they choose to do. That is what this book is about.
In a nutshell, Cloud suggests that we cannot fully embrace the future God has for us until we first bring to a close those relationships, activities, and commitments in our life whose usefulness (if they ever had one) have expired.
Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist who works as a leadership coach to CEOs and business executives. He has written several books including the helpful, Boundaries.
Cloud observes: “It’s been said that some things die hard and some things need to be killed” (7). He also declares: “Good cannot begin until bad ends” (8).
Cloud notes that, “There are endings to be had, needing to be had, yet unexecuted” (10). Cloud notes that people often instinctively know they need to end an unhealthy relationship or fire an underperforming employee, yet for various reasons they cannot bring themselves to do it. As a result, they languish in an unfulfilling relationship or their organization is held back due to a weak team member.
Cloud uses the analogy of pruning. He states: “Pruning is the process of proactive endings” (15). He encourages people to not allow their reluctance to “hurt” someone to prevent them from bringing about an ending. He notes: “There is a big difference between hurt and harm” (21). He also notes that sometimes a leader keeps hoping that a person will change, so they delay bringing about a much-needed ending. He suggests that, “Sometimes, the best thing a leader or anyone can do is to give up hope in what they are currently trying” (26).
Cloud draws the controversial conclusion: “So if no one ever leaves your organization or your life, then you are in some sort of denial and enabling some really sick stuff all over the place” (27). Cloud draws on the lesson from Ecclesiastes 3 and the seasons of life. I saw many parallels with what he describes and what I outlined in my book, The Seasons of God. He claims that winter comes in relationships and in seasons of our life and it signifies that endings are a natural part of life’s cycle. He also cites brain research that indicates that the human brain can only handle between 140-150 relationships (47). This suggests that when we add new relationships, we need to downgrade or end other ones.
Cloud posits: “Some people are not going to change no matter what you do, and still others have a vested interest in being destructive” (48). He suggests that a wise leader will determine what is motivating someone not to change and then develop an appropriate strategy. He adds: “I have watched well meaning people literally waste years and millions of dollars trying to bring someone along who is not coming” (49). He notes that the greatest hindrance to bringing about a necessary ending is people’s hope that someone will eventually change. He cautions; “Hope buys time, and spends it” (85). He also states: “If you are in a hole, rule number one is to stop digging” (89). Cloud challenges people’s false hope that positive change will occur. He asks: “What reason, other than the fact that I want this to work, do I have for believing that tomorrow is going to be different from today?” (90). He quotes the well-known axiom: “The best predictor of the future is the past” (93). He concludes: “By and large people do not change without new structure” (103).
Cloud suggests: “The best performers know how to fail well” (50). He also claims there are three kinds of people:
- Wise
- Foolish
- Evil
Cloud suggests that the key to effective leadership is recognizing what kind of person your people are. Cloud claims, “The fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it” (133). His prescription is to stop talking to the fool, for he will refuse to take responsibility anyway. Cloud suggests: “Whenever someone is not taking responsibility, there are always consequences. The question is, who is suffering the consequences?” (140).
Cloud also claims, “Playing the movie forward is one of the best known motivators in human behavior” (151). He also suggests, “A deadline without a consequence is not much of a deadline” (164). By putting consequences before people, it either provides sufficient motivation to change, or it brings about a much-needed ending.
Cloud suggests that leaders must embrace a certain level of “detachment” (178). They must ask: “What particular outcome are you willing to sacrifice to realize your vision of the future?” (178). He claims that, if we are unwilling to face the pain of loss or of difficult conversations, then we may not be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to achieve our goals. Finally, he urges the reader: “Hold on to your power, the power of self-control” (208).
I enjoyed this book. Perhaps it helped that it aligned with a book I previously wrote! But it is also preeminently practical. Cloud laces his book with keen psychological insights along with examples from his own coaching practice. He offers some scriptural support for his approach, but this book is not heavily Bible-supported. I suspect he is writing to a broader audience, many of whom are not looking for constant biblical support. Nonetheless, this book is extremely helpful and one I will be recommending to others. Whether you are dealing with difficult relationships, a troubled employee, or an outdated practice, you will find the discussion concerning necessary endings to be extremely helpful.
by Richard Blackaby