by Dr. Richard Blackaby
Secret identity, alter ego, split personality … the terms conjure images of Superman & Clark Kent or Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Whether it’s the ultimate do-gooder hiding supernatural abilities behind a business suit and a pair of eyeglasses, or a gentleman and a monster sharing the same body, people have always been intrigued by the idea of leading a double life.
Recently, God revealed a disturbing truth to me – I live a double life! I have two distinct personas, one at work and one at home. Perhaps I flatter myself, but I’ll use Superman rather than Dr. Jekyll to illustrate my point. At work I am a fearless leader and problem solver. In fact, at work there are no problems, only leadership challenges. But, inexplicably, during the ten minute drive home, I undergo a perplexing transformation. During that short commute, the leadership skills and winning attitudes that helped me succeed all day drain out of me as though my home were made of kryptonite. The closer I get, the weaker I feel. If I am Superman at the office, at home I’m Clark Kent with an attitude. I’m greeted by a barrage of needs from my family, and my leadership superpowers completely fail me. Why is it that I can efficiently administer an entire school, yet I struggle to lead a family of five?
Let me explain:
Problem Solving: Leaders solve problems. They don’t make excuses; they make things better. I handle numerous challenges at the office, but on the way home that can-do attitude gets lost in the seat cushion of my car like so much pocket change. My daughter’s skates were supposed to be sharpened for today’s lesson. My son’s hockey helmet is broken; his practice is in an hour. “The engine warning light is still on in the van” my wife gently reminds me, “and now there’s a funny burning smell…” My oldest son needs help with a history paper…. What would I do at work? I would delegate. Seeing no staff hovering nearby, I do the next best thing – I plan a business trip.
Scheduling: Great leaders accomplish much. They don’t waste a moment. Like all great leaders, I live by my calendar. Appointments are tracked by computer. Every minute of my day is scheduled. No important meeting or event is overlooked. I even schedule “unscheduled time” in case of emergency. My computer prioritizes my tasks. I’d rather lose my right arm than my palm pilot. My calendar is synchronized with my staff’s computers. It’s all very sophisticated and effective. My schedule for my family is about as hi-tech as a stone tablet and a sundial. “Are you coming to my game tonight Dad? ” “Dad, you promised to shoot baskets with us today, remember?” “Are you all set for Carrie’s sixth grade field trip tomorrow?” Where is a phone booth when you need one?
Team Building: Leaders take people from all walks of life, from all levels of education, and from all socio-economic backgrounds and consolidate them into one unified group. This diverse, yet cohesive team can collectively overcome enormous challenges. Leaders constantly communicate with their followers. Leaders make every team member feel appreciated. I can lead faculty, staff, trustees, students and donors to achieve a common purpose, yet I struggle to organize a family outing on Saturday afternoon. My wife loves to shop, but loathes sports. My sons love sports, but despise shopping. My daughter loves everything, as long as it’s figure skating. Unless we go shopping for figure skates at a sporting goods store, we reach no consensus.
I suspect I’m not the lone sufferer of a double life. In fact, I’ve talked with dozens of men, many of them leaders in significant positions of authority, who confessed they knew they were not the husbands and fathers God wanted them to be. No amount of prestige or money could make up for their deep desire to be the family men they knew they should be, and could be. Their confessions echo the sentiments expressed in Proverbs 15:16: “Better a little with fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil.” The good news is, it is possible to be both an effective leader at work and a capable leader at home. With a little effort and creativity, men can take the leadership skills they employ at their workplace and use them at home to be the family leader God wants them to be. Let’s revisit the above three leadership skills:
1) Problem Solving: In your eyes, a corporate challenge at work may seem vastly more important than a plumbing glitch at home. But the issue is not the size of the problem; it’s the attitude you bring to it. Strive to be a champion problem solver in your home. If you have the charm and diplomacy to deal with disgruntled staff and arrogant customers, surely you can respond lovingly to your wife when she tells you the garbage disposal is broken again! Taking time to cheerfully teach your son how to fix his bike may pay you more dividends than successfully overcoming barriers to a corporate merger. And you will be doing much more than fixing a sink or a bike; you will be tangibly demonstrating your love to your family.
2) Scheduling: Use all the creativity and technology at your disposal to include your family’s important events in your life. Put special family occasions on your calendar so you can spot potential conflicts. Treat your family as you would your best clients and schedule regular time for them. One of the greatest regrets older men share is missing key moments in their families’ lives.
3) Team Building: Communicate with your family. Be a good listener. Treat each person as the vital, irreplaceable team member that he/she is. Lead your family to become a team that works together, plays together, prays together and stays together. As team leader, your most important task is to encourage your family to follow Christ. The Bible says “He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress and for his children it will be a refuge.” (Proverbs 14:26).
Are you an office superhero but a frazzled Clark Kent at home? The only thing separating your two identities may be the decision to change. Strive to be the husband and father God wants you to be. Lois and the kids will love you for it.